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Chapter 308: Heart & Mind at War

KALLE

It happened this way every night. And every morning when she woke she swore she\'d confront him about it the next time. Not let him follow the same pattern.

But the moment he kissed her, or stroked her skin, or looked at her with those eyes shining with nothing short of adoration, she forgot all her resolve.

When his warmth appeared at her back, then his lips at her neck, she sucked in. Her skin tingled everywhere he pressed against her, and goosebumps rose on her neck and shoulder, showering down her side in a cascade of sensation that started at his lips.

As he whispered her name, one of his large, warm hands started at the back of her thigh and slid slowly up, cupping her bottom, then he took hold of her hip and pulled her back against him. While the other slid under her arm and around, he cupped her breast through the thick sweater, groaning, and opening his mouth against her skin.

She dropped her head back, lifting one hand to fist her fingers in his hair, while the other slid along his arm until her fingers pressed on his through the sweater he\'d bunched at her hip.

"Gahrye," she gasped, "I—"

"I\'ll tell you everything," he whispered. "Just… just let me hold you for a moment first."

She groaned as he turned her around and took her mouth, lifting her so she sat high on the table where he could stand between her knees and reach her more easily.

She loved this. She loved being close to him. Loved the feel of way he caressed her leg, cupping the back of her knee, lifting it to encourage her to wrap it around his. But she needed to stop him. She knew that. He did this every night. Every night he stroked and sighed and kissed her until she lost her mind. Then, just when clothes would become too restrictive, when things would get good, just when they\'d pushed barely beyond the line where he\'d stopped the night before, he would force himself away, growling condemnation at himself and leave her gasping and frustrated while he flayed himself for his distraction and "selfishness."

As if the enjoyment of it were an offense. As if there was something wrong with them seeking pleasure and comfort from each other.

As if he were somehow a bad man for caring about her when he had other responsibilities.

She admired his devotion to the King and Queen. And the friendship between he and Elia was plain to see. He cared about her beyond his duty to serve her. But…

But he cared about Kalle too. Even more, she suspected, though the thought stole her breath. It seemed impossible. But the light in his eyes whenever he met hers, the yearning there—and fierce protectiveness.

He loved her. She didn\'t know how. But he did. And… it felt right. Somehow, she loved him too. Even though she could count the time they\'d known each other in days… there was something between them that broke through all those normal, frustrating walls that kept two people from growing closer.

It was as if, as Gahrye had said, the souls were tied. She recognized something in him she\'d been looking for her whole life. She reached for it. Cherished it. Wanted it.

But it seemed like every time they were about to cross the final bridge, to truly give over to each other, Gahrye was the one to pull away.

He kissed his way up her neck, his breath coming harder and faster, until he found that spot just under her ear that always made her shiver, and he sucked at the skin there, gently.

She let her head fall back with a sigh. She couldn\'t let him distract her again.

But holy shit, it felt amazing when he kissed her there, and let his thumb drag over her nipple, even with her bra still on—

"Gahrye," she gasped, clinging to his shoulders as he curled over her, kissing his way along her jaw towards her mouth.

"I need you, Kalle," he breathed. And there was an edge of desperation in his tone that had been building there for days. She almost did it. She almost just gave over and prayed he\'d finally follow through. But she knew this went deeper for him. That he was twisted up with fear and self-loathing, anger and doubt.

Summoning strength of will she didn\'t know she had, she put her hands to his chest and pressed against him.

He released her immediately, straightening, his chest heaving, and searched her eyes. "What\'s wrong?" he panted.

"That\'s what I need to ask you," she said, breathlessly. "You look like you\'ve seen a ghost. What happened. Why were you late getting out of the room?"

His eyes closed and she missed them. Put a hand to his face as he blew out a breath and seemed to sag.

"Gahrye, you\'re scaring me. What happened?" she whispered.

His eyes opened then, found hers, and that sadness she\'d seen in him since the very first day, swam to the surface.

"Elia had a dream. She thought it was real. She saw Reth and talked to him… I don\'t know all the details, but it\'s obvious… Kalle, I\'m terrified she\'s already starting to lose her mind." His voice broke on the last word and she gathered him into an embrace, wrapped her arms around his neck as he buried his face in her neck and hugged her, squeezing her close.

She let her fingers stroke his back. "I don\'t think she is, not yet. All of us can get confused by dreams. But even if she is… we\'re going to find the answer, Gahrye. We will. And when we do—"

"When we do, I lose you," he snarled, his voice suddenly dark.

He tensed like he would pull away, but she gripped him, and he froze, then relaxed as she continued stroking his back.

"Gahrye, listen to me," she said, one hand in his hair the other playing over his upper back. "Reth could show up any moment. We could lose each other in thirty seconds. Or you might be here a year or more. We can\'t know. It\'s impossible to know." She leaned back, wanting to meet his eyes, but he tried to follow her. She gripped his hair and forced him to raise his head, to look at her.

When he did, his eyes were pools of pain. She cupped his beautiful face and had to fight tears because he was hurting and she was so desperate to ease it for him. Combing her fingers through his hair, she kept her voice low and soothing. "If we are True mates—"

"We are!" he snarled, his upper lip twisting away from his teeth. "I\'m yours, Kalle, heart and soul, I told you—"

"Shhhh, shhhh, I know, I know," she whispered and almost kissed him for his fierceness but she knew she\'d never get this out if they started down that path. "Me too," she admitted breathlessly. "It\'s true, Gahrye. There\'s no one else, okay? You don\'t… you don\'t have to worry about that—"

He made that gorgeous groaning huff that always made her belly tingle and he put his forehead to hers. He was going to kiss her again, but she shook her head, keeping the contact between them, but forcing him to meet her eyes.

"Gahrye, we are mates," she said, her voice soft, but firm. "And that doesn\'t change no matter where we are, no matter how far apart we are—or how close. Fighting this… hating yourself for it… it doesn\'t help. It only hurts us. Both of us."

"I never want to hurt you, Kalle—"

"And I never want to hurt you, but I know we\'re going to do it. That\'s what people do. We hurt each other. And we get hurt. And here\'s the thing: I want to fight anyone who would hurt you, Gahrye," she said, her voice quavering. "But right now, the person hurting you… is you."

He blinked. "I\'m not… what do you mean?"

She swallowed hard and stroked his stubbled cheek. "I mean that… you\'re keeping us apart. And that\'s hurting me. But it\'s hurting you more. It\'s like… it\'s like you think that having sex with me is somehow going to be wrong. And… if the Creator meant for us to be together, if He twined our souls, I don\'t see how that can be? If you were taken tonight—if Reth came for Elia, or a messenger said you had to go… it would hurt me so badly to say goodbye to you. But it would hurt me more to know you\'d never let me show you how I feel."