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Chapter 115: Elia\'s Epiphany

ELIA

She understood, then, what he\'d been doing. Why he\'d brought her there. And what he\'d hoped to achieve. And she loved him even more, because he was right. It worked.

When he\'d insisted on bringing her there, she\'d thought they were coming there to have a break, to be alone. And she knew that was part of it. But now she understood something he\'d seen right away: She needed to know her importance to him, to understand her importance to everyone.

When the King held you high, the people should too.

As they lay there, tangled together in the bright clean air of Anima, and Reth dozed on her shoulder, still inside her, she stroked his back and his hair, and she smiled and stared at the sky and started to recalibrate her life.

She had been so busy trying to find her way, she\'d lost herself.

Yes, she was different than the Anima, and yes, she needed to try to work with them, learn their ways, and not offend them. She already loved these people and this place. But she\'d become so deeply aware of their differences, she\'d forgotten their similarities—and she\'d let the people forget them too.

She could see, now, that finding acceptance was going to take time. And that was okay. They needed to get to know her as much as she needed to get to know them. And she was willing to bet she could find a way to make that happen. But in the meantime… she was the Queen. She was adored by the King, and held high in his esteem, and that was worth something.

He knew her already, and loved her. The others just needed time.

She made a face at herself. She wasn\'t unrealistic—she knew there would always be Anima that didn\'t trust her because of her physical weakness, or her different ways. But that was true of Reth, as well. And he didn\'t care one bit.

He was who he was. He knew who he was. And he let everyone else know it too. That was what she needed to do. She needed to let them know who she was so they could measure her by her true self, not by what they thought was true about her, or what they were told by scheming wolves.

As she thought about it, all the successes she\'d had, the few people whose minds she had changed, all seemed to happen when she\'d gotten angry enough, or passionate enough to just do what she thought was right—Aymora when she stood up for Reth, the elders when she\'d told them to question her—it was always when she forgot to be worried and just acted on instinct…

Her mouth dropped open. Reth had known from the beginning.

Listen to your instincts.

What a clever husband she had.

Heart brimming with hope and happiness, she wrapped her arms around Reth\'s massive shoulders and squeezed him as tightly as she could.

His even breathing caught, and she felt him come awake. "Was I crushing you," he said suddenly, leaning up on his elbows.

"No, not at all," she sighed happily. "It was lovely to just hold you."

He smiled and stroked her hair. "More lovely to be held, I think." He kissed her and her heart swelled, tears threatening again, but the happy kind.

"Thank you, Reth," she croaked when he pulled away to frown at her.

"Why the tears, my love?" His face looked so pained, she wanted to cry just for how he loved her.

"No, no! They\'re happy tears, because… you were right. This was exactly what I needed and… and I see everything more clearly now."

"Oh? How so?"

She cupped his face with both hands and beamed at him. "You\'re amazing. You\'re you. You\'re all of yourself, all the time. And… I thought I was that way too. But since I\'ve been here I\'ve been holding back. Scared, or worried about upsetting people. I never found my feet because I forgot who I was. I need to be myself and let them see. Like you. I need to be more like you, Reth. Except… me."

He blinked several times, then backed off of her, to sit, pulling up one knee and leaning his elbow on it, running that hand through his hair and shaking his head slowly. His eyes never left her.

She sat up, watching him. "What is it?"

"You…" he swallowed and looked away. "You humble me," he said, his deep voice rough. "I don\'t deserve your admiration, Elia."

"Of course you do! Look at you! Look at what you do here! Look at what you\'ve achieved!"

"Look at all the ways I\'ve left you down and let you scramble since you got here. All the ways I failed you before…"

The reminder of his life before—the women before—was like cold water poured over her. But she knew it was pointless to let herself think about. He\'d shown her since she got here, he had eyes for no one but her. Could she blame him for having relationships before she was there?

"I…" she started, then trailed off, biting her lip. "Give me a moment to see if I can say this right," she said. "I wasn\'t angry about you having sex before. Honestly, I\'m kind of glad you know what you\'re doing, because… I like it," she grinned. But Reth\'s face remained serious. "I was upset about Lucine because… because it feels intimate. Too close. Like… she had a part of you that I didn\'t."

"She didn\'t—"

"I know, Reth, it\'s okay. Let me finish. I was already feeling like a failure before that came up—and I\'m glad you told me—" she rushed on when he looked like he might speak. "I am. I\'m glad to know. It will be awkward for a while when I see her, but then we\'ll get used to it. You did exactly the right thing bringing me up here today. Because it\'s made me realize I was looking at this from entirely the wrong perspective."

"How so?"

She scooted closer, right up to his legs, put her hand on his knee and smiled up at him. "I was thinking I had to have the love of the people, and then I would be deserving of you," she said breathlessly. "Then I would make you happy and have… earned my place."

"Elia—"

"No, let me finish! I realize that was the wrong way to look at it. I see it now. I already have you," she said softly and his eyes heated. "I already have my place with you. And you… you already deserve the respect and the admiration of the people. So, they should be listening to you. And I… I need to show them who I really am. Because I haven\'t been me. Not the real me. I\'ve been so off-balance and worried, I haven\'t just… been me. I\'m going to be me, now, Reth. And some of that they\'ll like. And some of it they won\'t. But we\'ll get through it, right?"

"Right," he said.

She smiled again. "We\'re in this together, Reth. You aren\'t getting rid of me. And neither is Anima."

"Thank the Creator for that," he breathed and kissed her hungrily.