我的继坶我的性老师

—

I have been called back to write more. I wish I could say that it is because the previous letter of mine was beloved by all. Alas, I am writing this before my first letter ever sees the light of day. Perhaps a second writing from me will simply inspire anger and frustration? I do not know. I will never know. I do not know how to feel about that piece of information. Am I simply being asked to write these to throw out into the void? To be burned on a fire? Will they be read?

I suppose these are pointless questions to pose in a letter I will never get a reply to. A letter that, if someone else is truly reading this, will know all the answers to these questions. Perhaps not though, perhaps these questions have made you think, and maybe that is better is it not? I tried to spend my first letter telling you about my day and in some ways I failed, while in other ways I succeeded.

It is more a glimpse into my head at a given moment. It was quite the struggle to hold my thoughts in place, to pin them in my mind so that they could be written across this sheet of paper. It is not how I normally feel, or rather, it is bit a moment of feeling for me normally. To stretch it all into a letter prompted a few extra questions. Though it took restraint. Even with the rambling I did in the first one, in truth, my mind wandered far more then the paper would suggest.

Not too far of course, I tried to keep the letter to what I was experiencing, what I was feeling. I think I did it well enough. Perhaps in the future I will return to my attempt at writing a proper day in my life. Leave most of my thoughts out of things just to keep it moving. Perhaps I would include the things that feature most prominently in my thoughts. Perhaps I will just focus on what I think will be important.

Yet once again I wonder, who am I to say what is important? I am not the reader of these letters; I can never know what it is like to take in the information I am presenting. Do my wild musings amuse you? Does the fact that I consistently move around the main point and rarely address it cause anguish and suffering? Perhaps I am thinking on this to much. It is just a letter after all.

.....

Yet is it really just a letter? I am attempting to give others a window to my soul, so I do not know if this could ever be called ‘just’ anything. Then again, do we not so that others will know our thoughts? Everyone word is their own little pathway to the mind of the speaker. It is not really so different here on paper. Then again, I had a plan for this letter and yet I am distracting you with philosophy. I will have plenty of time for that later. For now, I plan to answer questions I am sure I would be asked.

The first question on everyone’s mind, I am almost sure, is what I think of Kat and Lily’s budding romance. You might argue, that this is not your first question, yet I find as people age, romance is so regularly on their minds that it almost never leaves, not fully. I wonder if I will receive the same fate? I nearly wrote ‘doomed to the same fate here’ but I do not consider it a negative fate for myself. Lily does seem so much happier with things as they are now, even as Kat tries and struggles to understand her knew situation.

I suppose that is my first thought. For Kat, not much has changed, Lily is just as important as she has ever been to Kat. I do not resent the place she holds in Kat’s heart. Despite my intelligence and maturity I am a child to Kat. She is more or less an adult to me. The dynamic is completely different and I quite like Lily. Should I call her sister Lily? Perhaps, but it does not feel correct to me.

I suppose what I most feel is gratitude. It may not be nice to say the rest, but I feared that Kat would either end up alone with nobody to care for, going to work and operating simply by doing what is asked of her. The other option I foresaw for her was to simply slide into Gramps role at a much younger age. Gramps is dear to me, but his death cannot be too far on the horizon unless Kat intervenes.

Yet I do not think he would accept. Gramps has someone to visit after he dies, and he would not stay on this world without her. He may continue on without trouble when life is finite. Yet if he was offered more. It would be a poisoned bargain to him, I suspect. So what I like most about this arrangement is that with rigorous study Lily was able to find a way to be bound to Kat forever in a perfectly reasonable looking manner. I do not mean to criticise this move, simply to imply that Lily is likely not particularly sane. Of course, I also do not mean this in a bad way, everyone in this house is lacking in sanity. Including Kat. Even if she is perhaps the strangest and most normal of us all.

I was a bit surprised by Lily’s confession. Not that she would choose Kat as her life partner. It was clear as day that Lily would stand by Kat’s side for their entire lives if she had the choice, as a friend at least, if nothing more. This insight seems to be solidly confirmed now with her choice of race. The thing Lily did manage to hide was that she was a Lesbian. I wonder if that is because I did not know what signs to look for, or that she had eyes only for Kat and it was easy enough to hide those reactions. Kat clearly did not notice though the reasons for this are much clearer to me then my own blindness.

Now, I have spent more time than I planned to on the first question. Though I guess that is now the nature of my letters. The pattern has repeated itself enough so I will commit to only one further question for this letter. Maybe there will be another in the future? Maybe not. Yet if there is not, what would make for the best final question? Actually, let me go muse on this for a bit on my own. I do not wish to fill my remaining words with just answering the question of what question to choose. That would be silly, and not a question I intend to waste letter space on.

324

—–

After a full five minutes of thought I have decided to speak on my adoption, and how I feel about it. I did not share my full thoughts with anyone, and I do not plan to. I suppose it would surprise many, Kat included that I feel rather mixed about the whole thing. While I may have played up the desire to be adopted somewhat, it is true I wanted a proper family again. While I did achieve that goal, my family is now anything but proper.

Perhaps I should step back. For all my mixed feelings not a single one of them is negative. I simply wonder what it will really mean for me in the future. I am still learning how to treat everyone in the house. Kat has always shared an odd position as an older sister figure that is almost my second mother. Now I really do have one and Kat is almost never here. Yet I know it would be worse had we not left. Kat would still be gone and I’d have nobody to help fill that gap.

As lovely as Vivian has been, what I think has helped me the most is meeting Callisto. It is an odd look into a potential future for me. She and I are not the same of course. Yet, when comparing so many people I have met she is by far the closest. What is important though, is that she is happy and I can see myself in her place in twenty years’ time. What this means, is that I have a place to aim. I am not quite so lost in the sea of potential that has the future. I know, that should I ever fall from my path completely, Callisto will be a beacon of answers.

It is not perhaps the way I wish to live, in my wildest of dreams. Yet it is a life I could see being filled with happiness. Sometimes I wonder if that might be more important. To stand at the top of the world, inventions and companies flowing from my fingers. Yet, are those not same strings I might use to puppet them also ropes to tie me down? Callisto invents, she is smart enough to make more money then Vivian if she so wished. Yet she does not so wish. She wishes to be a maid. To make enough money to pay Vivian rent, and she is happy. So many adults never seem to be happy, and I pray I never loose the ability. The fact Callisto has so clearly retained it gives me hope. Hope that I can see the answer if I ever do forget. Happiness can be found in strange places.

Yes. A lovely note to end on.