YM778.TV Chapter 230
“That’s right. I’m not looking to recruit you based on your abilities.”
“…Then, what’s your reason?”
Han Kiseok admitted to all the inconsistencies I had noticed refreshingly fast. Still, though he confirmed all the truths I spouted, he didn’t reveal his true motivations. He only looked at me for a moment, as if he were about to say something, before turning his head away.
After a long silence, Han Kiseok finally stared at me, took a deep breath, and opened his mouth. “Actually, I was being a bit impulsive when I proposed that.”
“Ah… Then you were just joking?”
“No, it wasn’t a joke… Of course, I didn’t really prepare this proposal in advance, but as we talked, I thought it’d be nice if you accepted my offer.”
After that vague answer, we plunged into an awkward silence.
To reiterate, he asked me to join his guild on a whim, but not as a joke? It just tumbled out during the course of our conversation? But why was Han Kiseok trying to curry my favor?
The more I thought about it, the more complicated my head felt; I rubbed at my temples with the cup full of ice-diluted Americano.
The man across the table looked at me resolutely. “So… in the past…”
“……?”
“I was quite mean to you.”
I immediately raised my bowed head. Han Kiseok continued, eyes still fixed on his Americano cup. “Even after graduating high school and becoming a User, I often thought of you. I wondered how you were doing.”
“……”
“However, whenever I tried to contact you, my courage failed me.”
“……”
“For some reason, I thought you’d ignore me.” With that said, Han Kiseok raised his head. He had an incomprehensible expression on his face. “Weren’t you also curious? About my life?”
“……” Of course…I was curious.
About a month after graduation, I became curious about Han Kiseok’s situation, so as soon as I discovered his social media accounts, I secretly scrolled through them.
Whenever Han Kiseok was mentioned by classmates who kept in contact, I just couldn’t ignore these conversations and had to eavesdrop. Whenever I met those that were close to the guy, I tried to nonchalantly ask for news on his current status.
However, Han Kiseok… He was apparently living a flawless life as a User. At least, that’s what I’d heard–and that’s what he showed on social media. I thought I was the only one that was still caught up in memories of our past.
9 times out of 10, I contacted Han Kiseok first–he had never contacted me even after I stopped contacting him. He mingled freely with countless others, reveling in lighthearted freedom. It was as if he didn’t feel my absence at all.
That’s why I started to gradually give up. I was simply one of many satellites hovering around Han Kiseok, and the care he showed me wasn’t anything special…
It was sad, but I found it easy to organize my affairs after realizing this was just futile puppy love. That’s what I thought from then on. After all, if someone were to gain feelings for me, I was not beholden to return those feelings for them…It was sad to think that Han Kiseok didn’t like me, but I couldn’t force him to develop anything mutual.
‘Perhaps, you could call this a mental victory…’
Still, after making up my mind, my mental anguish and self-flagellation over Han Kiseok had drastically diminished. I became increasingly indifferent to updates on his situation.
The idea that Han Kiseok was a User–someone who lived in a completely different world from me–helped me mentally give up on him. Shortly afterwards, I had been evaluated and received User status, but I wasn’t as hung up anymore and didn’t lose sleep over past regrets (though, my heart had wavered slightly).
I guess Han Kiseok shared my opinion that we both acted quite immaturely in the past.
It seemed like he was walking on eggshells while trying to figure out the best way to broach the topic of our shared history. Now that he’s aged and matured, maybe he might have felt that his past behavior was too unjustifiable. Perhaps he wanted to apologize to me… Was that why he asked me to join his guild?
“Of course I was curious,” I said.
“Really?”
However, his invite wasn’t an apology–it was still a selfish, self-centered action… I lowered my stiff chin and covertly sighed. I prepared to maintain a graceful attitude as I gave him my answer.
When I nodded, an eerie rush of cold air flowed towards me from Seo Dawon, who stood behind me silently. That was inevitable. Still, since Han Kiseok and I had finally met, I needed to tell him the truth in order to bring closure.
After a deep sigh, I spoke slowly to Han Kiseok, who couldn’t tear his gaze away from me. “Yeah. Because…I had feelings for you, back then.”
“Ah.”
“Don’t pretend to be ignorant now.”
“……”
“No matter–You weren’t very interested in me…” I scratched my cheek and awkwardly avoided his gaze. My blunt admittances were…honestly addressed more at my servants than Han Kiseok.
It was genuinely incredibly annoying to speak about my dark past, but…those bastards had already read my diary anyway. Besides, Han Kiseok knew that I had liked him back in high school.
I thought it would be better to take this opportunity to lay this all down, reveal all my cards, and take away their ability to tease me about this matter. Trying to stave away embarrassment, I clenched my fist and kept my head steady. I continued to speak calmly, “So, I know why you wanted to apologize… I just wanted to tell you that it’s not necessary.”
“……”
“Cough Cough… Isn’t it too excessive to offer me entry into your guild for an apology…?”
“……”
“Well…if you were to ask me if I was hurt, then of course–I got a lot of scars. However, that was many years in the past. I’m okay now. And… to some extent…the fact that you cared enough to make amends now has relieved my bitterness and resentment.” Though I was the one speaking, I thought my words quite eloquent.
Han Kiseok, though still staring straight at me, looked lost in thought. After blatantly searching my face, he opened his mouth, “So you’re saying… It’s all okay now?”
“Yeah… Th-That’s right. Time is…medicine. Something like that.”
“……”
“Actually, if I still felt hurt…I wouldn’t have come out to see you, as you’ve said. I would have ignored your messages… I’m honestly okay now. I’m here because I feel alright.”
However, Han Kiseok didn’t look convinced. On the contrary, he stared at the table. It felt as if a volatile atmosphere had settled between us–like he had been internally frowning ever since I finished speaking. The longer I spoke, the deeper that mysterious emotion set into his face, and I couldn’t help but feel that I had said something wrong.
Han Kiseok kept his mouth shut, even though he seemed like he had a lot to say. After making up his mind, he looked at me. “I know it’s too late to say this…but… I went to your house about a month after I became a User. I wanted to talk to you.”
“Re….Really?”
“Back then, I waited but you never showed up. So, I gave up and came back home…” With that said, Han Kiseok hesitated, although he clearly had more on his mind.
Was he trying to convey to me that he had tried many times to apologize in the past, but we had never met? That he’s not trying to be shameless with his apology now? …Is that it?
However, a month after Han Kiseok became a User, I had thought about Han Kiseok everyday, blaming myself for cutting contact with him. That was when my unrequited love was at its peak. So, I believed it would have been harder to organize my thoughts if we had met then. I answered Han Kiseok with a faint smile, “I’m glad we didn’t meet… Back then, I also agonized over whether or not I should contact you.”
“……”
“You probably never intended this, but… If we met back then…hmm… I probably wouldn’t have ever gotten over you. It’s probably for the best that we only met and had a conversation now.”
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TL: I believe, as readers, we’re supposed to read this like Han Kiseok wanting to rekindle something. But man, if I were Lee-kyung and I totally understood what was happening…I might be a little pissed. Start with being a good friend first >.< But, it’s really nice to get acknowledgment from Han Kiseok–that he had hurt Lee-kyung, and…I guess is remorseful? somewhat?