国产av无码专区亚洲av毛片

Note from DOGE: 

Hello there, thank you for reading yet another novel I picked up! Personally, I read this one chapter and then couldn\'t stop laughing... then decided I HAD to continue translating this... I don\'t know if quarantine ruined my sense of humour but I found the first few chapters quite funny, in a stupid, slapstick kinda way. Happy reading!

Within the mortal realm, the eighth year of the Tianqi dynasty in Daqi, the Minor Sky Palace! 

The Major Star Officer, Zhao Chuqi, was stunned as he looked up at the odd phenomenon in the sky.

The snowy skies seemed to have cracked open, with colourful lights dancing in the gap. The lights condensed towards the centre as if it was going to solidify any moment now. 

The Officer Defense Guard behind the Major Star Officer was also staring stupidly at the gash in the sky. He gasped. “Master, is the sky…. going to fall?”

“The sky can’t... fall!” 

The Major Star Officer’s voice shook, for he didn’t know what was happening either. But he knew something major must’ve happened or this wouldn’t happen! 

Just as he spoke, there was a deafening echo of what sounded like hundreds of grandfather clocks clanging together. The gap in the sky darkened into a deep red and a dash of red light fell from the skies. The light was so far out on the horizon, yet it felt as if the light was right in front of them. 

The Major Star Officer Zhao Chuqi stared with widened eyes and mouth agape, as still as a stunned chicken*. 

[*TL Note: yes it’s a Chinese idiom] 

Soon after, that was another deafening roar and the gash turned a deep orange. A dash of orange light fell out once more. If the previous sound had startled all the sleeping people awake, the second sound made everyone collapse on their knees to kowtow at the skies, scream-crying in horror. 

In a moment, it didn’t matter if one was in the courtyard of a luxurious house or a tiny back alley. At the door of every house in the capital of Daqi, one would see hordes of people kowtowing on the ground as fervently as one would chop garlic. Everyone was in a panic. 

Then, another explosion came from the skies. This deafening roar startled a man awake- he was initially on the brink of death, starving as he sprawled at the foot of a tall wall. He was waiting for a servant from inside the house to dump some scraps for him to eat so he could perhaps live to see another day. However, he didn’t get his food and all he got was this catastrophe! 

Not sure where he got a burst of energy but this man, who was about to die of hunger, stood up shakily. His clothes were torn and tattered, every bone in his ribs protruding through his skin like bare branches in a blizzard. 

“The heavens are dead!” 

The man used all the strength in his body to let out a deep scream, though immediately after he spoke, a blinding deep green dash of light lit up the lands. Behind him, there was a long line of people who resembled skeletons covered with a layer of snow, queuing along the tall walls of the courtyard. 

On the other side of the tall walls was a rich man clad in a thick coat made of leather and grass. He had come to his backyard with his servant, who was wearing silk clothing. This rich man kowtowed at the oddly lit skies, yelling, “A blessing has come to us!” 

Perhaps the starving man had heard the voice from the courtyard because he roared angrily once again! 

“The heavens are dead!”

All the starving people on their last breath behind him scrambled to get up after hearing his scream, raising their hands in the air as they too roared at the skies with all their might, “The heavens are dead!” 

All these furious roars combined together to form an angry river, flooding down the streets. However, another deafening boom came from the skies, swallowing their cries. A group of Forest Defense Guards in shiny golden armour emerged and started beating the shrieking beggars with the hilt of their long weapons. All of them fell to the ground and never got up again, much like the snow that fell from the skies. 

No one would care about the lives here either. Everyone else was focused on the changes in the sky, the consecutive deafening booms and the dashes of falling light. 

“Seven… Eight… Nine…” The Major Star Officer muttered to himself as he watched the skies. “What does all of this mean?” 

“Master!” 

A loud cry came from afar as a Star Defense Guard fell in front of him in a panic. “Master, something peculiar’s happening at the Sky Platform!” 

The Major Star Officer might be old but he was a sprightly man. He sprinted towards the Sky Platform that was high up in the clouds only to see the gigantic obelisk at the platform flashing in colourful lights. It was as if multi-coloured water was flowing from the skies to one point on the Sky Stone. Then, several chinese characters formed in the sky: “Message from the Sky Emperor: The Starfolk have rebelled and escaped to the mortal world. Kill them on sight!”

The Major Star Officer’s face changed as he immediately turned to look out into the horizon. The multi-coloured lights still lit up the sky. 

Just as he was about to report to the Emperor of Daqi, another explosion came from the skies. A ray of golden light from the crack in the sky landed in the backyard of the palace. More words materialised above the Sky Stone: “The immortals are biding their time. Kill all traitors!” 

The Major Star Officer’s expression turned solemn as he said slowly, “A message of violence and blood just came from the skies!” He straightened his headpiece and said, “Send a message, I would like to report to his Majesty at the palace!” 

As the Major Star Officer was about to enter the palace, the palace gates burst open and a carriage rushed towards the city centre. Another moment later, more than ten riders rode swiftly out of the palace in various directions. They were carrying emergency royal command arrow tokens. 

[Note: these fire-red tokens are also arrows, it signifies that the riders were acting on an urgent royal command]

…

Northwest of Feng City, Cleansing Moon Sect, Li family. 

“Push, push harder!” 

The midwife, dripping in sweat, held Madam Xie’s legs as she yelled at Madam Xie. 

Madam Xie was drenched in sweat too, her face pale as she panted heavily. Her chest rose and fell deeply as she clenched her teeth. Then, she screamed. 

The midwife was anxious. Madam Xie had been in labour for a long time and this was not a good sign. Any longer and both mother and child could die! 

When she saw how cracked Madam Xie’s lips were, as white foamy saliva pooled around the corners of her mouth, she said, “Hurry, hurry, give Madam a cup of hot ginseng tea! It’s to replenish her strength!” 

There were two servant girls nearby. One carried a tea tray and another a phlegm pot. The one with the tea tray stepped forward immediately. Madam Xie took a huge gulp of hot tea and took a deep breath. She was about to push harder when a strong gust of wind blew. Multi-coloured light fell from the sky, through the window and lit the room. Everyone closed their eyes instinctively. 

Just as they panicked, there was the sound of a baby crying. The midwife looked over and saw half the baby already popped out. She helped with the full birth of the baby, cut the umbilical cord, cleaned the wound and wrapped the baby in silk. 

The strong gust of wind and light disappeared as soon as it arrived. When Madam Xie opened her eyes, she felt the baby had already come out with ease and heaved a sigh of relief. She smiled weakly. “Boy or girl?” 

The midwife smiled. “Congratulations, Madam! It’s a boy!” 

All the servants cried in celebration, “Congratulations, Master! Congratulations, Master! Madam has birthed a boy!” 

The door burst open immediately and a huge man with a stubbly face in traditional Chinese clothing rushed in. He cried with joy, “The baby’s out? Where’s my son? Where’s my son?!” As he spoke, his eyes swept across the room and he grabbed the baby into his arms. He let out a guffaw, “My son looks like me! Hahaha, I have a son! The Li bloodline shall live on!” When he finished, he rushed out of the room in hysterical laughter. 

Everyone in the room watched in stunned silence. Madam Xie looked at the midwife and the baby in her arms, then stuttered, “What… did he carry out of the room?” 

The servant girl, whose hands were now empty, stuttered back, “I think… it’s the phlegm pot.” 

Madam Xie: “...” 

Everyone looked at each other. The room was very quiet, the only sound that could be heard was a man’s rough voice outside the door as he bragged, “Look! Look! This is my son! What do you think, does he look like me?” 

There was a wave of laughter outside the room. Madam Xie covered her face painfully. “Quick, pack up!” 

The servant girl said timidly, “Madam, what for?” 

Madam Xie spoke with deep pain, “I can’t stay here any longer! Our Li family cannot afford to be embarrassed like that!” 

…

Two horse carriages rushed out of the east gates of Feng City. The banner with the character ‘战 [War]’ hung on the city walls grew further and further away as Madam Xie carried the baby in her arms, feeding him with gentle motherly love. The servant in the carriage sighed sadly, “Madam, are we really leaving just like that?” 

Madam Xie said nonchalantly, “I’ve planned this a long time ago. The trees live because they have bark, humans live because they have dignity. Our Li family is part of the top clan, how could we endure such embarrassment?” 

The servant did not really mind either but she pried the curtains open to gaze outside. She saw a rider with fire-red order arrows on his back, riding at top speed in their direction. He was a mere four hundred metres away and would soon catch up! 

The servant and Madam Xie watched curiously as the riders dashed passed the carriages to the city gates. This man boomed at the gates, “Seal the gates! Seal the gates!” 

The guards at the city gates yelled in anger, “Who do you think you are, do you know what place this is?! How dare you yell to seal the gates?!” 

The rider took out an order token and yelled, “It is the royal command! It’s for every city where the odd lights landed- any family who had a baby born the day the lights landed must be killed! All men and women, rich or poor, old or young, from these families must be killed!” 

These words struck the servant and the lady in the carriage like lightning as their faces paled and they shook. Only the unknowing baby continued feeding at her breast, his dark eyes shining brightly as he stared innocently at Madam Xie’s pale face! 

Thank goodness Master Li was drunk at the back of the carriage, sound asleep. If he started yelling at this moment, the Li family would be in deep trouble! 

Madam Xie reached out with a shaky hand and patted the walls of the carriage. With a shaky voice, she cried, “Don’t stop, hurry!” 

The coachman’s voice was shaking too. “Madam, to where?” 

Madam Xie said, “The further, the better! Just hurry!” 

The driver flicked the reins and the carriage sped up. After a while, only when they were further from the city gates, the servant and her madam heaved a slight sigh of relief. 

The servant patted her chest and wanted to speak but Madam Xie glared are her. “If you want to live, do not ever speak a word of what happened today! Do you understand?!” 

The servant nodded, shaking. 

The air in the carriage was tense, the servant felt like she was sitting on a carpet of needles. After a while, she found a conversation starter when she leaned over with a smile. “Madam, you haven’t named him, have you?” 

Usually, the Master should name the child but everyone in the Li family knew about how their Master had gone insane due to overexertion in his cultivation training. The only person qualified to name the boy right now was Madam Xie. 

Madam Xie gazed at her son lovingly. In a gentle voice, she said, “My son was born during an odd phenomenon from the heavens, he was brought to this world by the winds. He shall be named… Li Chengfeng!” 

[TL Note: Cheng 乘 = ride; Feng 风 = wind// Chengfeng = the one who rides the wind ]